The Gnostic International Tribunal (GIT) is seeking to repair its public perception damage caused by the recent and unfair firing by a global conglomerate of Gnostic priests and scholars. It has decided that the logical course of action to regain its reputation as the world’s leading authority on Gnosticism is to become the final arbiter on who is a true Gnostic.
GIT has thus hired the revered Gourdjeff Lionworthy as one of its spokespeople. Lionworthy is actually an Ascended Master who descended from the astral plane to aid the venerable organization. He has put forth a paradigm to separate true Gnostics from the useless rabble devoid of souls. GIT is confident that his proclamations will not only subdue the warring factions claiming to be the bearers of Gnosis, but also educate the public on the important, for-your-own-good work of Gnosticism.
Here is the list to find out if you might be a Gnostic:
–When you hear the word ‘God’ about ten different concepts swarm your brain to the point you sometimes lose consciousness for a few seconds.
–Your ‘Bible’ consists of three or four very thick volumes surrounded by a herd of books written by such authors as Stephan Hoeller, Hans Jonas, Kurt Rudolph, William Blake, Carl Jung, or Elaine Pagels. Nearby, there might be a sacrosanct stack of DVD’s with the possible titles of The Matrix, The Prisoner, Dark City, The Truman Show or Fight Club. Often, there are neighboring Solomonic dual pillars of fiction paperbacks and graphic novels by writers bearing the last names of Moore, Wilson, Dick, Morrison or Miller, just to name a few. Oh, and there is a copy of the actual Bible somewhere within reach.
–The word ‘lacuna’ puts you in a bad mood.
–You have always believed that you were born in the wrong time and place. With age, though, you can’t shake a nagging feeling that you will never belong in any time and place. Your true home is your imagination because nothing conceived on Heaven or Earth can match it.
–When asked if you are a theist, atheist, or deist you often reply ‘yes’.
–You have replaced ‘Murphy’s Law’, ‘karma’, ‘luck’ with the term ‘Archons’. If your computer has indigestion, the Internet acts like a toddler, or your car betrays you at the worst time, you blame the Archons. You’ve never actually met one or really don’t know if they exist, but you’ll never feed one after midnight.
–When you were a child, you wondered if the Old Testament God could really be the father of Jesus Christ. Now that you’re an adult, you realize that The Bible has many gods and many Christs.
–The rockiest, rollercoaster yet ecstatic relationships you’ve had in your life are the ones with Paul of Tarsus and Mary of Magdala.
–One of your common remarks to people is, “G-nostic, not Ag-nostic! There is no ‘a’, dude!”
–You are sure you have experienced something called Gnosis, but since you’re in the thick of this pathless labyrinth you won’t be able to adequately explain the concept until it ebbs like a seashore. And you have a feeling that when you’ve reached the other side you’ll be wearing an altogether different birthday suit. In other words, the Red Pill goes down slowly and the glass is sometimes fully empty.
–You have no problem with the word ‘religion’, even though you haven’t completely figured out yours or where you exactly fall in it. This usually annoys your Occult and New Age colleagues.
–You hear voices everywhere and even in the depths of nowhere. The entire universe is a symphony calling to you–or more like a bittersweet requiem of an innocent state of being when you and the stars were one and existed without boundaries, rules, or identity. If you can recall the original notes in their entirety, you will finally arrive at the end of the beginning before you were you.
Lionworthy plans a follow-up list, but first GIT is seeking restraining orders and potential incarceration for those who do not meet the standards of the preliminary guidelines. These apostates will be summarily excommunicated and sent to special camps called Pleromic Education and Reintegration Vocations (PERV’s). The Patriot Act itself is already being re-written to support GIT, even granting it jurisdiction to prosecute infractions before they are thought of or acted upon.
The Department of Justice, in conjunction with the Arizona state government and the Congressional Black Caucus, has also released a list of Gnostic leaders that will be ‘invited’ for hearings and then taken on a ‘tour’ of the PERV’s. If you have contact with any of these individuals, please contact GIT at 867-5309 and ask for Eric Voegelin Jr. or Sylvia Browne.:
–Bishop Stephan Hoeller (with that accent he cannot be in the USA legally and might be part of Team Edward)
–Bishop Shaun McCann (Canada is certainly within the reach of GIT; and his extreme interest in Twin Peaks denotes potential subversive behavior)
–Bishop Rosamonde Miller (her writings on Wild Gnosis could instill too much independent thinking within the Gnostic flock. Furthermore, a female Bishop might remind women that they are allowed to vote, drive, and even hold jobs)
–The Wachowski Brothers (more to find out what the Hekate where they thinking with the second and third ‘Matrix’ movies)
Dane Cook (GIT just plain doesn’t like him)
Here I stand, I can do no other. Welcome to a brave new Gnostic world!
(If you have your own ‘paradigm’ of what it means to be a Gnostic, please send it along for a follow-up article. Include a social security number and bank account for our Nigerian editor)
What is a Gnostic? by Stephan Hoeller
How to Become a Gnostic by WikiHow
The Agnostic a Gnostic by Robert Price