The secret to soaring success in the Republican Party is all but guaranteed by following one of two surefire paths: bein’ a sexy hot mama with a killer bod, wicked aim, and all the wit and charm of a rabid hyena, with the brain power to match, or a freakishly ineffective, gaffe prone, bumbling black man with a knack for saying the most hilariously inappropriate things at the most comically inopportune times.
From the lamestream media’s perspective, including “bored, pathetic, no-life anonymous bloggers” like yours truly, Michael Steele has been nothing short of a Godsend. A veritable treasure trove of endless gaffes, misjudgments, and what-the-hell-was-he-thinking (or not) moments, just begging to be endlessly mocked.
On the other hand, those who actually care about the health of the Gray Old Party and/or effectiveness of its esteemed Chairman to, umm, actually help get Republicans elected, by raising actual money, promoting party principles, not actively humiliate the Party while blowing through their entire budget on faux lesbo S&M bondage clubs and essential office supplies like designer shoes, are starting to wonder if it’s time to swap Steele for someone a little less worn and rusted.
In light of his most recent gaffe, the cardinal sin of Republicans, by not wanting people to die all the time in endless wars, Michael Steele might have finally taken his inability to filter thoughts between his brain and his mouth a step too far. Oh no! Rumors are starting to swirl that El Chairman might finally get the ol’ heave ho, but where oh where on God’s green Earth, are they going to find a good looking power player as universally beloved, successful, and sexy, who really knows how to shake things up, with the super skills necessary to be the next dopest, off-the-hook Republican leader of the entire world?
Hint: look due North (all the way up)!
Apparently, there’s some talk in GOP circles that the Barracuda herself should take over the RNC mantle as the second biggest mistake the Party has made in as many appointments.
John McCain’s one-time running mate and former Alaska governor is, as CBS News’ Bill Plante puts it, “the star of the Republican Party. She’s the top endorser, top fundraiser — and now could be the party’s top dog. Some members of the GOP base are calling for her” to take Steele’s place.
Which means, wait for it…Everybody’s favorite Arctic drifter and professional quitter Sarah Louise Palin, the most wonderful woman ever to grace the face of the Earth, is being tossed around (not as a hilarious joke) but as an actual, legitimate replacement of ol’ balls of Steele. THIS IS THE BEST MOST AMAZING NEWS IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!
To think, Queen Bee Sarah may actually get to be the #1 most importantist Republican fundraiser in all the land! I mean Lord knows the woman’s got a knack for raising ungodly sums of cold, hard cash, though mostly to store in her own endlessly deep pockets, not to mention a head start on off-the-hook technology kids really go for like her favoritest Facebook and Twitter.
OMG, please, please, please pick Sarah Palin. That would be so awesome! Because the only thing better than having an incompetent fool whose most compelling quality is the color of his skin, is to have an equally incompetent buffoon whose best asset is contained within the first three letter of the word, though her unique ability to massacre speeches from the palm of her hand doesn’t hurt either!
Plus, she’s got that one-of-a-kind knack for saying stupid things, turning everything she touches into a continual spectacle and object for ridicule.
Sure, $arah would totally max-out a few more base donors before the midterms, maybe convince some dying old white men to contribute to her very “attractive” cause for the constitution ‘n stuff. But even so, letting $arah Palin be the party’s “top dog” seems insane considering only 37 percent of ‘mericans have a favorable opinion (meaning they don’t automatically gag whenever she opens her freedom hole), and the other 73 percent can’t stand the crazy Alaskan mama bear, which is to say they don’t much care for former half term runner up governors of Miss America, wait , or was it Alaska? I can never keep ’em straight!
And you betcha the Democrats would be all over the chance to use the “Sarah Palin as the official head of the Republican Party” as a fundrasing ploy, because surely those words will send a chill down the spine of every mega rich, arugula eating liberal elitist who doesn’t sleep with a loaded Magnum .357 beneath their pillow for warmth and comfort, or in case any pryin’ journ-y-lists come venturing too close to Mama’s den.
Besides, why would Miss Thang ever give up her lucrative multimedia career in the thriving industry of spreading lies and misinformation to clueless patriots ‘cross this great nation en route to getting rich baby by spillin’ trash baby trash upon the unsuspecting ears of the American public.
Sure, she loooooves quitting things she starts, but that’s only when there’s more money to be made elsewhere, not for some terrible reason like to actually helping her wonderful Party accomplish something other than setting the Guinness World Record for most consecutive boneheaded decisions by a single organization! This would not be a wise career move! It would be downright unAmerican to let all this soon-to-be cash go to waste on something silly like helping Republicans, instead of spending it on something important like helping her look even sexier in expensive black leather jackets. For freedom!
But alas, Steele will likely keep his job screwing everything up, hemorrhaging donor money and being his usual disastrous, gaffelicious self because “even his GOP critics want to avoid a drawn-out fight over the party’s most prominent African-American just four months before midterm elections.”
They might lose the African-American vote: his!
Instead they’ll do the honorable thing and unceremoniously dump him after the midterm elections, and replace him with the next Great White Hype who isn’t a lipstick wearing pig maverick hockey mom by the name of Sarah Palin.
Since Jesus Christ is already sooooooo swamped advising everyone from Glenn Beck to Michele Bachmann, an even better idea would be to get one of Sarah Palin’s adorable li’l miracles of God to fill Steele’s rather large, expensive designer shoes?
Bristol’s probably too busy getting pregnant or warning other teens not to get pregnant to take on such massive responsibility. But there’s always that youngest, special neediest one, Trigger.
Might just be the perfect way to reconnect with the similarly “special” (needs) base of the Republican Party!
It’s all part of God’s Master Plan!
Which I guess, at least explains the whole Michael Steele as Chairman thing.
The Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways!