It’s official. Frank is a douche.
This episode wasn’t nearly as dramatic as I thought it would be, considering ABC showed us 99% of the details in previews over the last six weeks. Thanks, ABC!
The kids are off to Tahiti this week. After 45 minutes of voiceovers, we find out Chris is indeed ready for love, Roberto is indeed ready to be the last man standing and Ali is, indeed, ready to get rid of that hair.
First up is Frank, in all of his Abercrombie and Fitch-clad glory. Oh Frank. You’re such a douche. He tells us that Ali is awesome and everything he could want, but something has been holding him back. Turns out that “something” is a pathetic little gal named “Nicole”. Frank isn’t over his ex, so before he goes to Tahiti, he heads to Chicago to see her and figure out his feelings. I have this nailed…Here’s the scoop: He’s the most insecure dude on the planet. If Ali had told him that he was the one for her, 100%, he certainly would not go back to Nicole. But he knows Roberto is in the picture so his odds aren’t great. So he runs back to Nicole because clearly she’s pathetically in love with him and he knows she’s a secure bet. However, he doesn’t out-right say he’s in love with Nicole – he makes up this whole song-and-dance about needing to see her to sort out his feelings. This way he would’ve had an “out” to indeed go after Ali if Nicole rejected him. See? I’m good at this.
Frank says, “In order to be engaged to Ali soon and for her to feel good about it, I need to make sure I’m not in love with Nicole.” You think? You douche bag. You think that you need to make sure you’re not in love with anyone else before you marry someone else? A small detail you should probably iron out. You d-bag.
Frank heads to Nicole’s apartment, and she opens the door. I physically recoil. Whoa. I try not to be too mean about people’s looks, but it’s really really really really hard for me to keep my mouth shut on this one. Let’s just say her nose makes it out the door before she does. She’s not easy on the eyes. She must be a cheetah in the sack.
Anyway, her apartment is decorated much like a 19-year-old dude would decorate. Sofa? Check. Bed? Check. Beige walls? PERFECT! Frank sits with Nicole and here’s how their conversation goes:
FRANK: I’ve spent the last…little while, fighting 24 guys for the love of Ali. She’s this amazing, wonderful, hot, perfect, awesome chick with great hair and a big ass. We have this amazing sexual connection. When I touch her, sometimes she quivers and my penis–
NICOLE: I get it. Please move on.
FRANK: Anyway, we have this amazing connection. And guess what? She doesn’t know ANYTHING about you!
NICOLE: Get to the point, please. My nose is filling up with rage.
FRANK: Did I mention my feelings for her are very real and we have an awesome relationship?
NICOLE: Seriously, I’m going to kick you in the nuts.
FRANK: Anyhoo, I’m not sure she’ll pick me and I can’t handle that uncertainty and I certainly know you haven’t left this god-awful apartment in 90 days, so here I am! What ‘cha think?
NICOLE: I’m not mad anymore! I love you! Ever since you left, you’ve consumed my entire mind, every day. It’s sickening. It’s heartbreaking. I mean, you wear cardigans, and I still love you with every inch of this schnoz. I spent the last six weeks sticking pins into my Ali doll. Does she really have a big ass? I KNEW she’d have a big ass. Anyway, I’ve been starting to cut myself a little, so I’m super glad you decided to settle for me!
FRANK: Great! Now I have to go to Tahiti because the producers want to exploit Ali’s soon-to-be heartbreak.
NICOLE: My rage nose is growing again.
FRANK: I need you to support me.
NICOLE: You got it. Before you leave, should we hump? I’ll be as dirty as you want. Then I’ll pack for you and be sure to include that wool cardigan for those chilly Tahitian nights.
There you have it. Frank decides he wants the security of Nicole, and says he knows he’s still in love with her. Now he needs to tell Ali. We’ll get to that later.
Finally, onto the good stuff – Roberto’s date in Tahiti! As Ali pulls into the resort in Tahiti (on a boat) she waves to all the guests in their huts. They look at each other and say, “Who the s**t is that?” She arrives in paradise and takes a solo swim in the ocean. She looks like she’s at peace. She looks like a sweet dolphin, voiceover-ing herself about how excited she is to be in Tahiti. She turns to the camera and says, “Hey guys, the sun is going down. Can you put me in silhouette and I’d like this filmed in slow-mo. Here goes!” and she whips her head back and all that hair, in an arc of beauty. It’s like…Darryl Hannah in Splash.
First up is Roberto’s date. I will say, guy sweat usually turns me off. And with Roberto, there’s certainly a lot of it. The dude sweats. A lot. However, somehow when I see Roberto’s sweat, it doesn’t gross me out! Weird, no? THAT’S how hot I think he is – even his sweat is good looking. I immediately picture the two of us, sweaty, in the heat of passion. Forget it. You don’t need the details.
Ali and Roberto meet, they hug and kiss and SURPRISE, they get on a f**king helicopter. Good lord. Overplayed. For real.
They don’t take in any of the scenery because they’re too busy feeling each other up. They land on a reef, and ohhhhhh, It’s HEART-SHAPED! It’s a sign, says Ali. Agreed – you should definitely hump him. I mean, love him.
Side note: Well done, Tahiti. You are so gorgeous. I am so sad I’m not there right now. With Roberto.
They frolic in the water, they make out, she piggybacks his front-side and I’m consumed with jealousy. It’s awesome there and he’s hot. Lucky gal. I’ll shut up now.
They head to dinner later, and despite his reluctance to open up, Roberto tells Ali that he’s “fallen in love” with her. Awww. She immediately dives for the fantasy suite card. Smart girl.
She says that she has a card from Chris Harrison. Clearly, Roberto has not seen this show before. He looks confused. He reads it: If you choose to forgo your individual rooms, you can stay together as a couple in the fantasy suite. He giggles and says, “I think it’d be a shame to waste a perfectly good fantasy suite.” Sigh.
To get to the fantasy suite, they have to wade through waist-high water, but it’s worth it. That suite is AMAZING. If I were in that room with a bottle of wine in me, I’d hump just about anything. Weatherman? Sure! A dragon? Sure! Roberto? No-brainer. As they go to commercial, we see Ali taking his shirt off. I’m speechless.
The next morning, Ali goes out to meet Chris, despite the fact she’s walking a little funny, thanks to Roberto. What the heck is she wearing? A short, white skirt, a striped bikini, and a loose shirt over it, but her boob is falling out the side. She’s posing like “Tahiti Barbie”. Somewhere Nicole is out there. She leans over to Frank and says, “Really? You chose me over that?”
Chris and Ali go out on a catamaran and it’s awesome. They chat, I’m bored. They see an island in the distance. Ali tells Chris that’s their island but they have to swim to it. Uhhh, it’s about four miles away. Anyway, they jump off the boat and it’s clear that Chris spent his summers at the beach…but not IN the water. He actually looks like he might drown. It’s not helping matters that he can’t touch the bottom and Ali is straddling him.
They get to the beach where they destroy a bunch of innocent oysters, looking for pearls that have been strategically placed there by the producers. Again, I’m bored.
They head to dinner, where Ali has decided to take a casual approach, wearing her pajamas. (Side note: People with big asses shouldn’t wear white pants)
They have to wade through the water to get to dinner. I get it, Tahiti. It’s exotic and cool but some people just want to have a damn dinner and not get their dress pants wet. Build a walkway or two.
Chris tells her that he can really see himself with her forever. He says, “You know that, right?” Soooo, he’s not the most eloquent guy. He’s truly a dude at this. I like it. It’s the Boston side of him. It’s endearing and I love him. Nice, genuine guy. Unfortunately, Ali still kisses him like she’d kiss a ten-year-old cousin. Sadly, I just don’t think she’s into him.
Ali tells Chris she has a note for him, from Chris Harrison. He looks around, “Is he here?” I laugh. I don’t blame him. The first few seasons of this show, I used to think Chris Harrison hid beneath the beds of the fantasy suite, masturbating.
He reads the note and says out loud, “There’s a fantasy suite?!” You gotta love him. They head to the fantasy suite and he says, “This place is gigantic!” You’d think he would’ve gotten the scoop on this show before he went on it. This is how it goes, dude. They put you on a beautiful tropical island, pump you full of alcohol, put you in a romantic suite and hide microphones under the bed as you get naked with Ali. Enjoy!
They talk for awhile and he says that he’d move anywhere with her – they could settle in Cape Cod or San Francisco! She says, “That is so sweet. We’ll just have to check and see where Roberto wants to go.”
Chris says to the camera, “She’s perfect. I’d love to wake up in the morning, see Ali next to me and say ‘Yup, she’s the one.’” I get sad for Chris. He’s a good guy and I don’t think this will end up in his favor. Uh oh.
This much advertised drama happens in about four minutes. Frank arrives in Tahiti to break the news to Ali that he is still in love with his ex-girlfriend, Nicole. He oddly decides to get advice from Chris Harrison. He tells Chris he saw Nicole and all the old feelings came rushing back. Chris is oddly unhelpful, telling Frank he’s shocked and that he’s really f**ked Ali on this one.
Chris tells Frank that Ali is crazy about him. It’s safe to say that Frank is bummed he decided to bring Chris Harrison in on all this. Frank says, “I think I can spend the rest of my life with Nicole. And I don’t even have to worry about her leaving me!” Chris is less than impressed with Frank’s doucheness. He says to Frank, “Think of how you’re leaving Ali. She’ll be in emotional turmoil over this, heading into what will be the most important week of her life.” Frank says, “Ok, THANKS Chris. You’ve been SUPER helpful here.”
Ali gets to Frank’s place and gives him a huge hug. I’ve said it before – oddly, I think she’s more into him than Roberto. Anyway, he says, “Ali, we need to talk.” She immediately starts crying. They sit down and all I can think is, she is literally a zillion times prettier than Nicole. Is that mean?
Finally, and I mean, FINALLY, Frank spits out that he WAS falling for her, but something was holding him back, which was a little thing called Nicole. He tells Ali that he just thought his feelings were just thoughts (?) and that they didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t until he saw her drive away from the hometown date that he thought, “I could marry this girl!” Somewhere in the world, Nicole is trying to suffocate herself into a pillow.
Anyway, it was right then that Frank decided he really needed to figure out his feelings. So he went to Chicago, boned Nicole and decided she’s the safer bet. He apologizes, tells Ali that she’s perfect, but with Nicole he feels this “click”. (click = safety) Well, gee, thanks for the clarification. She’s upset, she pulls at her hair. A couple extensions rip out and she throws them at Frank. Not really.
They fight a little more. She asks why he didn’t say anything sooner? She calls him selfish. She again reminds us how she gave up everything to be here. I’m with her on all of it – except for that last argument. You gave up a job answering phones and a small apartment. That’s not much to give up considering that in exchange, you got to feel Roberto’s naked stomach. That pays for an apartment 100 times over.
Ali gets really mad, drops an “F” bomb and throws her sandals. But then she hugs Frank and tells him that she has to leave. Later, Frank. (Side note: I’m crying. I hate you, self)
She plops down in the sand and cries. She says, “There must be something wrong with me!” The only thing that’s wrong with Ali, besides the 20-pound weight gain, which has oddly landed only in her ass, and her terrible extensions, is that she’s a Douche Hag. She attracts that crap, I guess. But don’t worry, Ali, you still have Roberto to mend your douche hag ways!
Chris Harrison tries to console Ali with a friendly rub on the back. Frank is traumatized, saying that dumping Ali was 100 times worse than he could have imagined. I think the reality just hit him that he has to go home to Chicago and make love to Nicole in her corporate housing apartment, when he could’ve been naked with Ali in Tahiti. Yikes.
He drags his luggage back to the boat. I’m pretty sure the Bachelorette people sent him there and made him leave without even staying one night. Why did he even bring a suitcase?
Rose ceremony, sort of
Enter low-self esteem Ali: She says that Frank leaving “was my biggest fear coming true.” She tells Chris that yesterday was really hard and she woke up this morning pretty sad. I honestly think she would’ve picked Frank in the end. Wow.
She’s freaking out a bit, saying that it’s scary at this point to have him bail on her. She says this ceremony will be her not only handing out roses, but she wants to make sure the guys ACCEPT the roses and promise to be with her through the end of this journey. So through next week, then?
Ali meets the guys, including a very sweaty Roberto, and tells them that Frank isn’t there. She oddly only says, “Frank didn’t take care of some things back home, so he left to take care of them.” Strange, no? I wanted her to spill it! But she takes the high road. However, under her breath, she then says, “And by ‘take care of’, I mean ‘hump the living daylights out of.’ You a**hole.”
Despite Ali’s heartbreak, Roberto and Chris look like two big smiley dorks. They couldn’t be more pleased. Obviously, they both accept their rose. She tells them that they will next be heading to Bora Bora, where her (lucky) family is waiting.
So that’s it, folks. I wish there was something to report that we didn’t already know. Oh well. Next week is the Men Tell All Special, which would’ve been good if Frank and Nicole showed up, but clearly they aren’t there. Of course, Rated R is there, along with Guard and Protect your heart guy. Should be entertaining. We only have two weeks until the big finale! And then we get the Bachelor Pad. It’s a good summer, people.
For a recap of last week’s episode, click here!
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