I didn’t quite know what to make of this episode. Lots of fighting, hidden assets, a depressed 22 year old, a lunkhead in a sack hat, the Giudice girls started a Martial Arts street gang… I’m not sure what to do with all of this, besides make a crazy soup. Most of all, I’m worried that I might be tolerating Danielle… So let’s navigate together and proceed with the recap.
We begin this fun hour with the Giudice girls, and Joe heading to Tae Kwan Do. And Teresa is so very proud that her girls are thugs. She’s torn between them being divas, and them being the punch you in the throat kind of girls. Ahhh, motherhood.
So Joe loads his beauties up in his repo’ed Escalade and they head to “The Karate Place and Stuff”.
Now before I go on, I took some kind of martial arts when I was about 7 years old, I think. And granted this was a magical time called the 80’s and I think Karate Kid just came out or something, and my 7 year old brain put taking karate bringing me closer to Ralph Macchio.
Quit judging my taste in men…I was 7…
Anyway, my point in my rambling is that the only thing I retained from that experience is that Martial Arts should always be defensive…something not stressed in this clip.
So they walk into the dojo, and Joe’s all “Ay oh, yous bows when yous come in ‘ere!” and cuffs the girls upside the head and they bow to a couple of dudes kicking eachother. And they do all of their warm up things, and my favorite Giudice girl, badass Hurricane Milania is so over it and has this look on her face like, “Eff this, this is too much work, and why I’ll always have a switch blade in my boot,” I love that kid. That girl right there, will be Teresa’s karma in about ten years.
They kick and punch, and like any good dad, Joe has them beat the holy hell out of eachother for his love and attention.
“Ay oh, you’s gonna fight like in Street Fighter.”
And poor Gabriela is like, “Dad can we just go get dinner?”
“Ay oh Gabby, yous give Gia a bruise, you get the biggest hotdog. But we ain’t eatin til there’s blood. Now ding ding let’s get it on!”
It’s those family values that give me the warm fuzzies about this family.
Where are we off to next… A soup kitchen where these ladies with tons of time and money are helping those less fortunate? Reading to the blind? Taking their kids to visit lonely old people in a nursing home?
No. More fighting. Oy.
So we’re off to the boxing gym with Danielle, Johnny Kneecaps and her kids, Helpless and Trapped, to teach Danielle how to defend herself from crazy Italian women chasing her through country clubs and pulling her hair.
Boxing lessons? Didn’t she beat a kid’s head in with a handgun? Seriously, she pistol whipped someone into ground beef, and we’re wondering if she can defend herself?
So everyone takes a turn, and look out! The tall model one, Helpless, is kicking some azz! Not at all because of the pent up anger of her lost childhood or anything. But if the whole modeling thing doesn’t work out, I do see a future for her in boxing.
Now cue the fake modesty with Danielle as she says, “oh but I’ve never thrown a punch!” and proceeds to mop the ring with the instructor. And I actually laughed at Danielle because she is such a thug at heart. She tries to stuff it, but hard living doesn’t stay hidden long, and she’s all “A chin! A Neck! A knee!” Oh Beverly…so street!
Ok, enough of that. Let’s go over to Jacqueline’s house and look at that patootie baby of hers she always dresses like a biker. Kimmy da G shows up, and they have words about Teresa being an antagonizing beast, and her daughter being a 150lb sack of wayward useless in a droopy hat. Kim makes good points, and Jax deflects responsibility, second verse, same as the first. She might want to look into that whole lack of accountability thing being the problem with her daughter. Maybe.
So since that made my head hurt, I’m dying to go over to Caroline’s house and see relatively sane people. We head to Mt. Manzo and have a seat in the giant open kitchen hoping she cooks us 2 poached eggs. Oh, they’re all hooting and hollerin’ and having a good ol time, til His Holiness Albert spoils all the fun, telling the younger children without futures that they are needed at the family business for a large wedding, and hey Albie, since you’re on the fast track to Failuresville like your siblings, I have a “Mater Dee” position for yous if you’re interested.
This made Albie cry, because he desperately wants to be somebody. Or not work at the Brownstone, I haven’t decided which, and he cries on his mommy’s shoulder that he ain’t going to the Brownstone. And she asks him what he’s going to do all day then, and he says stare into a corner and cry.
Can we get this kid some Prozac? His gloom and doom is killing me and makes him less pretty to look at. And let me go off on a side note for a sec, but maybe it’s just me and my Midwestern sensibility talking, but why can’t Albie go to paralegal school while he waits on getting back into a law school? He already has the undergrad, go get a certificate, clerk, do everything a lawyer does except argue cases, and have a good foundation so you don’t flunk out again!
But hey, what do I know about anything? I guess Albie’s glowering makes for good TV.
So to cheer us up, Bravo decides to take us shopping over at the Potsie Posche Boutique o’ Crap. Teresa shows up to ‘apologize’ for being an animal and David Lee Roth babbles about something. I didn’t catch it because I was staring at some God awful printed fug shirt on the wall that felt like a good acid trip. Anyway, in a totally spontaneous and not at all contrived piece of reality TV, who shows up but KIMMY da G!!!
And what is Kimmy wearing? It’s like Madonna’s Borderline video was invaded by the Muppets and this inspired the nursing home to send Kimmy out into the world looking like this. So words were said, and cue Teresa saying how “nice” she is which really means, “nice enough not to stab you”, and then she says something mean and uncalled for(!) that she won’t argue with Kim because she was taught to respect the Elderly.
Oh T. Once upon a time I liked you…but fame and being the ‘mean girl’ has officially gone to your head.
What’s that Bravo? We haven’t had enough dumb in the last 10 minutes? We have to have a Lunkhead Ashley segment? Well if we must…
Of to wherever Lunkhead and her poor boyfriend Derek hang out. Someone’s TV room somewhere, and as with all men who come into contact with Lunkhead, there’s a lot of putting your palm to your face and looking up at God and asking “why?”.
So Lunkhead sits there and giggles about assaulting someone, and Derek tells her to knock it off, and quit being obsessed with Danielle. Like EVERYONE says! Get it? Obviously not…
And since Bravo is into torture this week we head out to view the Giudices hidden assets like a pizzeria and apartment building. I previewed this yesterday, but since none of you read the previews, and how dare you, let me just repeat myself :)
We get to see Joe take Teresa on a tour of the soon to be seized ‘bidnezzes’ and hilarity ensues like it always does. Beginning with the line…
“My Joey’s always been an ANCHA-pa-nooer,” long pause as you see the hamster running for dear life in Teresa’s brainspace,”That means yous own your own bidness, and yous stuff the cash in the mattress at your Aunt Vida’s house, right?”
Yep…sounds about right to me, T.
So we get the tour of the pizzeria, and Joe asks BEST SELLING ITALIAN FOOD COOKBOOK WRITER, Teresa if she’s ever made a pizza in her life.
“Ay oh, Joey, yous knows I make-a the pizza! Open the box and everything. It ain’t delivery, it’s DiGiorno.”
Best Selling Cookbook author, folks.
Then there’s a funny ha-ha that the whole lot of them are going to have to schlep pizzas and live in the lil apartment next door. Ain’t so funny now, is it? Bet the ol’ judge is going to like the whole, “I ain’t NEVER gonna work!” proudly declared into the camera.
And we get more drivvel about the “good investments” and the “bad investments”, and I try to listen, but that shawl/cape thingy she’s wearing is distracting me because it makes her butt look HUGE. She’s droning on, and I’m thinking, what the hell is wrong with T’s butt?
I’m also wondering if there’s an auditor at the IRS assigned to watch this show now, and count the assets. Wonder if they drew straws in the breakroom for the honor.
We need a good laugh, so let’s head to a stripmall diner with Johnny Kneecaps, Vinny the Enforcer and Danielle. I just love it when three convicted felons sit around having coffee and discuss good parenting, don’t you? Not that you can’t be a good parent and a felon, but it’s just funny to me. What else is funny? Watching Vinny go to his happy place and stare off into space as Danielle talks in circles nonstop about Ashley. Wonder if he’s thinking about kittens and unicorns.
Back to Caroline’s house where she’s badgering His Holiness about “taking his vitamins” which I hope to GAWD isn’t code for Viagra. In walks Depression, and slouches onto the counter. Depression has good news! He got his letter saying he can reapply to law schoolz. But he may have to leave the state. Which makes his codependent mother short circuit all over the place, and I died when Albert told her to knock it off.
“Hey Albie, just make sure there’s a golf course wherever you go, so I can get away from you people.”
I weep for the woman who dares to marry Albie. These codependent mother in laws are nice and all, but the cord never gets cut. Trust me. They will be 45 and whining into the phone about how you don’t fold their socks as good as Mommy…
Not that I’ve personally experienced this or anything ;)
Back to the Giudices, and the girls are making Pizza in the soon to be seized Pizzeria. Once again if you’re keeping score, this is New York Times bestselling cookbook writer, Teresa looking like my 5 year old rolling out pizza crust. If you’re counting, this season she’s nuked frozen french toast, boiled noodles, and rolled out someone else’s pizza dough like a 5 year old. Of course Hurricane Milania didn’t dissapoint me, as she screamed “MOZZARELLA!” and rubbed fistfulls of it into her sister’s hair. I really hope they’re filming something when she’s a teenager. I just want to see her terrorize her mother.
Time to get all melodramatic and serious, since we were having too much fun, and go to the courthouse with Danielle, her team of lawyers, and Kimmy da G with her old lady friend. And blahs, blahs, blahs, Danielle is still insisting that someone threatened to kill her, but nobody heard that for themselves.
And they come out of the court when it’s dark outside claiming victory was theirs. Ashley got charged. Yippee, I guess…
Back to Caroline’s house, because His Holiness’ informer down at the courthouse (how scary is that by the way?) told Caroline that Lunkhead was getting charged, and Caroline summons Ashley and Jax for a good talking to. Now I feel for Caroline here, because she probably feels stupid for seeing what really happened, and believing one side of the story. Not to mention all of the crap behind the scenes Danielle was pulling at the same time. So she’s acting a little misinformed. Let’s forgive her that.
And of course, Ashley found the sack hat, and bounced in all giggling that getting charged with assault was no biggie deal, and Jax tries to invoke the whole, “how dare a felon charge my child” which again, I point to the accountability issue being the problem with your daughter, because even if you’re a felon, you can still be assaulted, and it would still be a crime. And more to the point, just because you haven’t been caught committing any crimes, doesn’t mean they didn’t happen.
O.M.G I just hardcore stuck up for Danielle and want to be struck by lightning now. I did like the looks of total restraint on Caroline’s face because you know she wanted to reach back, grab a wooden spoon, and lunge at the kid. Hey, someone’s gotta do it.
And finally, because this just has to end, we see Kimmy da G ‘jogging’ with PILES of newspapers over to Jacqueline’s house just to rub it in, make a friendly housecall. And Jax sees through this contrived famewhoring BS and calls her out on it. And we get such an insight into the evil thoughts of Kimmy da G and her pot stirring, because she pretty much comes right out and says she’s a bad person just wanting to be in the mix. Well I guess owning it is good.
So we end it here. Next week is Helpless’ sweet sixteen and I’m intrigued as to why she might not want her dad around. And Ashley wears her best sack hat to court. Yay.
Until then peeps!