At a merciful 80 minutes long, the newest laughs-ploitation film by the makers of Date Movie, Disaster Movie and Epic Movie, Vampires Suck still manages to suck the life out its premise. New blood Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) has just moved into the small town of Sporks where she immediately becomes infatuated with a pale orange-eyed senior named Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter). Convinced they have a “special connection” Becca soon finds out that Edward is in fact a vampire…or a Jonas Brother. Isolated by her family and friends, Becca soon finds out that her lack of personality and dreary angst has attracted another suitor Jacob (Chris Riggi) who happens to be a werewolf. Now she must contend with over-the-top teenage drama and supernatural hijinks all before the medieval themed prom!
Unlike the other parody films to come out in recent years, Vampires Suck only takes its references from the Twilight Saga instead of a slew of different source materials. What results is a bigger budgeted Mystery Science Theater without the cleverness. It seriously feels like the makers of this film watched Twilight in an empty theater quipping about it like a bad Beavis and Butthead episode and only though the magic of cinema they managed to put their stupid jokes on the screen.
In fairness to Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg this is probably the best their collective minds have to offer. The film is certainly more focused than any of their previous collaborations and some of the jokes have a slightly lighter touch than beating a dead horse. Additionally Jenn Proske is an excellent counterpart to Kristen Stewart, managing to imitate her every twitch and stammer.
Still very few jokes have a bite to them as the atmosphere of the film mimics the bleakness of its source material resulting in absolute boredom. Once in a new moon they do hit their marks and when they do the writers feel the need to suffocate a passable joke with mindless overkill. In one scene Edward tells Becca nothing bad will happen to her; cue satellite dish falling on her head…followed by bricks, lumber, shingling etc.
In a day in age when filmmakers have the ability to take you to other worlds that literally jump out of the screen, Vampires Suck should not exist. It is a tepid, bloodless, half-witted insult to the intelligence of its audience. A corrosive blight on cinema eclipsed only by its sheer idiocy. To summarize this review and sneak in one more vampire themed pun…it sucks.