This is the most dramatic recap EVER! (HA!) Let’s get started breaking down what’s left to break up before Ali is left standing alone on the final rose ceremony…
Who cares who received the “first impression” rose weeks ago, what matters now are the last impressions these men are leaving – impressions that happen to include V-neck “manisoles,” fake tears and unrequited love. Ah boy!
There is much to learn about love from this coagulated mess of a mini-series called The Bachelorette and no shortage of “teachable moments”from Tahiti that are important to keep in mind when choosing a partner:
Teachable Moment #1: The most important words in love’s language start “A”
It’s true. If anything, The Bachelorette has taught us that the most important words in the English language start with the letter “A” and happen to be “Awesome” and “Amazing.
“Chris, your pooka shell necklace looks amazing against your orange shirt, baby.”
“The tender way you look at me Frank, with those creepy spider monkey eyes and man cleavage, is simply awesome.”
Meanwhile for the viewing audience at home, the favorite “A” word is not “awesome” or “amazing” but rather “A hole.”
“Are you kidding with all this crying, Frank? At this rate, in addition to the T-shirts you already share, you and Nicole will also be sharing tampons. Man up you A hole!”
Teachable Moment #2: Pull it together or tear it apart
The longer Frank cried, the redder his eyes got and the more he began to resemble the snake before it gobbles its mouse. And when Ali started her hyperventilating tears? Well, I was shouting at the television, “Pull It Together, sister!” For yellow’s sake (hehe), you’re having a slumber party in Tahiti with Chris and Roberto and your disappointed because you really wanted to move into the basement of Frank’s parents and get that 10% discount at Baby Gap? No-You-Did-Not!
So pull it together so we can all go back to the scene where you were tearing apart oysters on a deserted island with a hunky, shirtless Chris and finding fresh pearls the poor schleps at ABC had to carefully glue in place just for you! See, Ali? Don’t you feel better already? Yes you do. Now put on something yellow (the color of friendship coincidentally) and let’s move on to the next teachable moment…
Teachable Moment #3: Have an issue, here’s a tissue
Tissues would’ve really come in handy in last night’s episode not only to soak up some of the sweat from Roberto’s drippy, pit stained T-shirt but also to soak up some of the drama in the academy award winning performances that took place. From Ali’s Baywatch hair flip scene in the water to Roberto pretending he hadn’t a clue what the room key was all about, there were some stellar performances last night.
Roberto, that was a real “insurance salesman” maneuver. You were “like,” so “like” unbelievable. Unless you were born in a barn (were you?), you’d know what the “Fantasy Sweat” oh, I mean “Suite” was all about.
Yet, that performance paled in comparison to that of Nicole’s that took place in her pretend bedroom nestled conveniently in a downtown Chicago hotel room. Oddly, Frank had to walk (at a fierce pace I might add) across town to let that canary out of her cage, I mean woman, off the hook. She looked like a bird but quaked like a duck but in the end got her goose. Fine, I mean her spineless Monkey Jumping man with spider monkey eyes that ran to Chris Harrison like a Catholic runs to confession. Just a heads up Frank, Chris is not Jesus despite becoming The Godfather of The Bachelorette last night.
Teachable Moment #4: Turn it on or shout it out
Last night’s episode confirmed that there are certain things in a relationship that should be as accessible as frequent flier miles (isn’t that right Frank?)
A dimly-lit fantasy suite. There’s nothing quite like a night of hot jungle sex in a Tahiti hut to say true love. Next season ABC should make the fantasy suite an outhouse with no lighting. Now THAT would be a real surprise!
Prayer is powerful. So let’s pray Frank came across a Sky Mall catalog to buy new tank tops and shorts on his flight home from Tahiti. And pray for introductions for Ali– that her roots might be introduced to some hair dye for gawd sake.
And then pray for all of us, that we might find something better to do with our time than watch selfish people date and dump one another. (But please don’t pray too hard for me because I’ll be back at it again next week). See you fools then!
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