A musician who is a lyricist usually writes about self-experience, as does a journalist.
Over the past year, I have gone thru a tremendous metamorphosis that I have shared publicly and you, the public, have demonstrated a very receptive and affectionate interest, for which I am extremely grateful.
I compare myself to a bear cub that was born at the end of Mama’s winter hibernation; sniffing the spring air for the first time: unsure, untrusting.. I continued to sniff that air for anything of comfort or assurance. With weak footing, I felt awkward not knowing what I should be doing, how to dress or even how to act at my age… I stumbled, tried to develop and grow, but felt unsure and vulnerable, waiting to be called out, laughed at, ridiculed, or singled out.
Even with an attempted brave armor, challenges threw me to the gravel. I learned how to focus. Hell, before this point, I had to confront humiliation at work. Imagine contributing to a meeting with cat-scratches on my face and neck, an occasional black eye, red spots from being deliberately poked in the eye, frequent bruising, and wearing full sleeves on a 90-degree day… I was protecting an abuser, out of fear of retaliation.
In what might be construed as normal to many, was blasphemy for me to ever suggest. In over 10 years, I hadn’t set foot in a mall, gone to a movie, been to a beach or out with friends… because I wasn’t allowed to have any… I was isolated and alone; stripped of anyone to find solace. That’s how they work, it’s what they do, and they know it. They want you to cower in a dark corner, naked and alone.
Next chapter: He was finally arrested and removed, and we moved out of “the dungeon.” When my husband was removed, the 3 kids and I slept hard, for nearly 2 weeks. When my son’s girlfriend ran away, I opened my door to her, she slept hard the same way. Probably post-traumatic stress disorder “PTSD” although I prefer to avoid being categorized in the DSM-IV.
Two weeks later, I lost my job. At that point, I was done being a marionette and decided to take control of me. I got stronger. Three weeks after that On A Dime Installations was born.
Now, 2 years later, I have finally become an established telecommunication reseller and installer, in the US Womens’ and local Chambers of Commerce, Cisco Select Certified, partnered with Ingram Micro and in the Federal Contractor’s Registry as a Small, Woman-Owned Certified Business (M/WBE).
There’s something that scares me. Memory recalls something I read many years ago – it might be from a book about the Doors (my first loved band) – about approaching the point of no return. I want to stay regular. I sense that division point in my near horizon, and it scares me.
I live very publicly. I practice what I preach; say what I mean and mean what I say. During my suppression years, I was not allowed to speak up. To hell with that suppression. It’s no-holds-barred now, but I have courtesy and respect… and expect the same. I don’t hurt anyone.
The next realization about being in media is people throwing stones. I photo and review bands, venues, anything in my path. I do work with the local food bank Yet, people like to attempt to crinkle my character.
I’ve been accused of many things throughout my life.. and quite frankly, am sick of being on the defense stand for my own validity. I don’t do bad things. I don’t cheat, lie or steal. I trust too much and never turn my back on someone needing help.
I will defend myself within reason, offer to meet someone half-way, but some people just want to gain recognition by smudging others, or notoriety at the cost of others. Well, I have worked painfully hard and alone, for almost 3 years, to establish myself and I’m not about to let nay-sayers hurt me.
So with each battle I learn that perseverance pays off. Stay true and focused and you simply must allow the negative to go manifest itself without you. Don’t even waste your energy waving goody-bye.
I recently wrote an article recalling when John Lennon commented about people having the audacity to call Yoko ‘ugly.’ I would rather have the inner beauty that radiates from within then to be a knock-out from the outside and be cold, shallow and bear cobwebs inside. I feel it and know it, it’s a glow that nobody can remove. Physical appearance means nothing to me. It’s just easier to judge someone based upon appearance; therefore, those who do so, I categorize as shallow, negative, and not worth my energy anyway.
Thank you for your interest in my articles. I hope to have time to contribute more… however I have the EXPOSURE Concert approaching in less than a month, and have to worry about the logistics, while confirming bands and letting others go…
Please keep me in your thoughts. I feel many of you who read in solitude and respect that too, I know you are there, I am strong for you, extending my hand, when you are ready. To those brave enough to let me know you dig my articles, thank you very much too. You, collectively are my strength, and I mean that 100% whole-heartedly.
Thru an amazing generosity, we have been offered space in Bryant & Stratton College to set up shop and operate, as we deal with the red tape in the acquisition of a former church, and with the Town of Orchard Park, who is anxiously supporting this venture. OP Music House, Inc is an active member of the Orchard Park Chamber of Commerce, was structured under the Foundation Group, is a registered non-profit community center, IRS classified 501(c)3, and has a registered Board of Directors.
If your heart is pure, your moitves will be good, and people will catch on. Remember, DECCA turned down the Beatles, more than once!