Lindsay Lohan was finally taken into custody today after a totally retarded attempt to check herself into sober living and avoid her sentence. Actually, that is an insult to retarded people everywhere. They would know when a jail sentence is applied mostly to combat an inability to accept personal responsibility for anything, it’s probably a good idea to not continue along the course of action that inspired the judge’s contempt in the first place.
Anyway, live coverage of Lohan being handcuffed and taken into custody dominated this morning’s headlines. Hey, sorry, Kyron Harmon, finding you takes second fiddle again! What group of racists protesting an interfaith mosque’s erection outside of the Twin Towers’ site? Sorry, I’m on a road trip, just got internet, and was hoping to actually learn some real news. Hope nothing has happened in the past week.
Los Angeles commuters and girls who want to stand near Samantha Ronson are safe for now, as Lohan was led through a sea of photographers and ‘fans’ who all shared one thing in common: a desire to make fun of Lohan so badly, they woke up at the crack of dawn to do so. Paparazzi running the live feed have apparently become so one with their cameras that they’ve forgotten they’re humans and their vocal utterances are audible: “What a dumb f*cking bitch” could be heard falling from their lips as she was led past them. Note to Lohan: despite your strange mutual parasitic relationship with paparazzi, THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS AND THEY ARE LAUGHING AT YOU. Kind of like the popular girls in high school who’d let you sit with them so they could make fun of how desperate, sad, ginger and freckled you are once you leave.
Never one to miss a media spectacle, Michael ‘I can’t pay child support, but I can fly across the country to get on TV for ten seconds’ Lohan was there to let his daughter know he loves her, because nothing says that to a child like only caring about her for your own publicity stunts and deliberately exposing her weaknesses and humiliating her publicly for your own financial gain. Thumbs up, Michael, surely you will be the first person she calls when she gets out.
Meanwhile, most experts agree that the L.A prison system is overwhelmed with one-eyed gangster murderers named Big Mama and truckloads more of them awaiting imprisonment, so it’s highly unlikely Lohan will serve even a month of her sentence before being carted off to rehab again. Additionally, People magazine reports Lohan can expect “5 a.m. wake-up call and being kept in a 12-by-8 cell for 22 hours a day, except for one hour of recreation time and 20 minutes per meal.” Anyone who’s been to a summer camp as a child or lived in New York City on less than $100,000 a year is like ‘aw hells naw, she’s lucky.”
The real question is how her collagen lips will hold up over the next two weeks or so. Good night and good luck, Lindsay. Look at it this way: your post-prison interview will financially resurrect you for the next year or so, and I’m sure ‘How I turned a promising career into a punchline on a dirty bathroom wall’ will be a lucrative memoir.