Many of my talk radio show listeners and readers of my dampfang.com advice columns (particularly, those who have yet to read my books) always ask me: Why did you come up with ‘The Mode One Approach?’ What particular event or series of circumstances prompted this? Was it just a desire to attract and seduce more women? A desire to improve your interpersonal communication skills with others? A desire to overcome your fear of rejection and harsh criticism? For the most part, I would respond “all of the above,” but there is one factor missing:
A growing frustration with the social expectation to engage in “small talk” with women.
In my book, Mode One: Let the Women Know What You’re REALLY Thinking, I state that I first came up with the idea for the Four Modes of Verbal Communication™ in Fall of 1990. But actually, I noticed a pattern in communication styles between men who were experiencing great success with women, average success with women, and less-than-average success with women years before 1990.
In a nutshell, I noticed that men who engaged in a high degree of entertaining, but unnecessary “small talk” with women usually got put into the dreaded “friend zone” while men who practiced the art of “less (words) is more (effective)” usually had women competing for their attention and companionship. (I define ‘small talk’ as any conversation you engage in with others simply to pass the time and/or avoid silence … usually in public venues and social settings … that is really not representative of your true desires and genuine interests) If you read the first sentence in the first chapter of my book, I boldly proclaim, “I hate small talk.” And this strong disdain for small talk is what fueled much of my desire to exhibit ‘Mode One’ Behavior.
When I worked in Downtown Chicago in 1988, there were a handful of guys who I worked with who always had many of my female co-workers laughing excessively and constantly. They always had interesting stories to tell, and very amusing anecdotes to share. One problem: These same guys always struck out when they attempted to transition from ‘entertaining storyteller’ to ‘flirtatious bachelor’ with these same female co-workers.
On the flip side, there was this one guy who I worked with who women would frequently give him their home phone number without much conversation with this man. Most men, and even women, would have categorized this guy as “average looking,” maybe slightly above-average. This particular co-worker did not have the office’s most outstanding or athletic physique. His salary was nothing to brag about. He didn’t drive an expensive sports car or luxury car and he wasn’t particularly funny or entertaining. What was this guy’s secret? Why did women stop by his desk just about every day trying to engage him in conversation? I decided to ask one day.
This co-worker said, “Alan … I’m nobody special, but I have one philosophy. I don’t just ‘give away’ free flattery or free conversation. I treat flattery and conversation in the same manner that most women treat their sexual companionship. A woman has to earn flattery and entertaining conversation from me. I refuse to just give flattering and entertaining attention to a woman. And that is why you see women giving me their phone numbers with ease. I get these women to the point where some of them are literally begging me just to have a ten-minute conversation with them.”
Once I told him that I shared his disdain for small talk, he and I became good friends for the remainder of my time with this particular company, but once I left that job, we lost contact. I never forgot that philosophy of his though, because it is right on the money.
You see, many women value flattery and entertaining conversation in the same way that many men value receiving a good handjob or fellatio (women I know usually giggle when I say this, but just about all the men will say, “that is so true”). Men can chat it up and joke around with their male buddies sometimes for hours, but the vast majority of men I know really don’t care for lengthy conversations with women, unless it relates to sports, sex or making more money and improving their career.
Even more so when a man’s interest is just casual sex. If most men could get away with saying just one or two sentences worth of words before sex and after [casual] sex, they would. Even in many marriages, the wife is usually more talky than the husband. My late father was married to my late mother for over forty years, but I rarely witnessed him being exceptionally talkative with my mother. Usually, if they had a conversation that lasted more than an hour, it was my late mother doing 90% of the talking, and my late father would just be listening.
A male celebrity said once in a magazine interview, “people think most men use the services of call girls and prostitutes because they can’t get sex anywhere else or can’t attract women otherwise. Not true. If you do your research, you will find most regular clients of call girls and prostitutes already have girlfriends and wives. Over half of the reason why men pay call girls money is to avoid lengthy bullsh** conversations about sh** they don’t care about. Ideally, many men just want to walk up to an attractive woman and say, ‘let’s fu**,’ and have the woman say, ‘okay,’ and they go somewhere, do the deed, and then go about their separate ways.”
Remember the article I wrote a few weeks ago about “Alpha Males” and “Beta Males?” This issue is somewhat related to what I discussed in that article. One of the reasons why many women love ‘Beta’ types is because Beta Males are more likely to play the role of the attentive “listening ear” and “entertaining conversationalist” than the average ‘Alpha’ type will. Have you ever seen a male adult film star in a porn movie cracking a lot of jokes and engaging in a lot of conversation with his female co-stars? Rarely, if ever. Very few prolific and incorrigible womanizers are extremely talkative. They use just enough words to get their point across, and express their desires, interests and intentions.
[Note: Remember John Travolta’s character in Get Shorty, Chili Palmer? He said, “Never say more than you absolutely have to … if that.”]
So men … the next time you see a guy in a nightclub in a corner with four or five women bending over laughing at all of his semi-corny jokes? Don’t get too envious. More-than-likely, that guy is an entertaining “play brother” to these women who is enjoying a night of ‘platonic popularity’ with his female friends. These women are around him because he is amusing, non-threatening and pays for their drinks and food.
Scan the club some more for someone else to emulate. Look for the guy who is quiet and maintains a casual Bruce Willis-esque smirk on his face. The one who says a few quick, to-the-point things in a woman’s ear, and she turns around gives him some seductive direct eye contact, and smiles. There is a good chance that this man will not spend more than five or six minutes talking to any one woman.
Pay attention to that guy.
That is the guy who is getting laid that night.