Do you ever troll through Craigslist giggling at the pretentious, poorly spelled, absolutely ridiculous ads for personal assistants? If you’re from L.A, you surely have. A recent favorite featured a ‘writer’ who would not initially pay you in cash but instead reward you in pleasurable stories of his amazing life, with a promise of compensation down the line, provided you were willing to accept his specific demands, which included obscene hours of work, ‘giving up any personal life’ and pretty much drinking his urine instead of water.
The latest celebrity to issue those demands: Jennifer Lopez. Surprise, being her assistant is a nightmare from hell that would only work if you could still meander down to the South and buy a slave off an auction block.
“The person has to be graceful under pressure, have a thick skin, and be resourceful in foreign countries, among others things. You’ll be expected to travel at a moment’s notice and must know how to adjust in each city.
The job is 6 days a week, at least 12 hour days with one day off, but you may not get off for weeks. You’ll be on call 24/7 and you’ve got to be organized and always on point.
You have to change diapers, work on little sleep and cook if the butler is away. You have to know when J. Lo has her snack time. She won’t say she’s hungry, you’re just expected to have food waiting.”
The payoff? Somewhere between $55,00-65,000 a year, plus the additional bonus of being JLo’s whipping boy/girl at swanky events. Yes, you can have the honor of avoiding eye contact with her and spending your days fetching her drinks or bending down so she may rest her weary feet on you. Probably she has some Lady Bathory tendencies as well. Don’t cut yourself and spill blood on her, lest she realize draining you will help maintain her youth.