Riddle me this:…
‘What has ten legs, one bottom, two 8 ft. long wooden appendages, smells like coconut-y bananas, and sounds precisely like a plane full of drunken tourists on their way to Cancun?’. Answer: a 5-person raft floating the Boise River .It’s a truly wondrous thing. A small, ultimately inconsequential, but highly potent miracle of good, clean American fun.
Note: for any of you Sheriff’s Deputies out there that somehow got tricked into reading this article, alcoholic beverages are NOT allowed on the Boise river at all. No siree; no way, no how.
And thus, nobody ever does it. Never happens.
So to fully and wholly indemnify the Author, and Publisher of this article concerning contributing to the alcoholic delinquency of anyone, anywhere, anytime,… You should never, ever do that. Don’t drink on the Boise River. (Unless you want to fit in).
But seriously, even stone-cold sober, floating the Boise River is all by itself an inherently intoxicating experience. A spectacular blur of rainbow bikinis, reflective sunglasses, cut-off Levi’s, and sun-faded tattoos. Flip-flops, pony tails, the constant splashing of cold, clean water, and the random squeals of juvenile laughter. Marco! ….Polo!
And, as it turns out, humans do have natural coats, underneath all those sweaters they wear in the winter-time. From the beautifully-bronzed, to the ‘melanin-challenged’, down to those poor, pale ginger bastards whose SPF is somewhere between ‘wetsuit’, and ‘aluminum foil’.
Just looking on from the shore, this daily event is a feast for the people-watchers… and thrill-seekers; the adventurous, sun-worshipers; the mis-guided, and the chronically happy… and of notice, people who are drinking cola-disguised rum while traveling north at about 5 knots an hour, with no steering wheel of any kind (nobody actually does that, though. Ever).
If it sounds fun, well, it is. Alot. In fact, no sane person should expire this Earth without floating the Boise River at least once. Yet there are a couple of caveats… things responsible adults and the emotionally choosy should be aware of.
First, if you are single, you may find yourself slightly distracted. Regardless of your gender, or romantic persuasion, WOW.. you are going to see some-body you like-ee, a lot-ee.
Conversely, if you’ve been single for more than 6 months, and are becoming a little hopeless and lonely, this scene is likely to be very depressing, and you should at least bring your dog.
And if you’ve just recently broken up with someone, and are ‘back on the market’, this is the place for you. And if you’re not single, and do go floating with your significant other, be prepared to be really, really tough. Philandary bullet-proof. Or at a minimum, cunning and discrete in your sideways glances.
Second, and this is for the slow of thought or dull-witted, (so can’t be overly stressed) you really should know how to swim. At least enough to save your own *ss, much less your kids’. Recently, in fact, an actual tragedy occurred on the Boise River, and this is no laughing matter.
So, as Mark Twain might say, “..But forgivin’ the foresight of a Higher Providence endowing you with fully functioning gills, fins, and a prehensile tail attached somewhere upon your person, DO endeavor to teach yourself the fine-art of ‘Not-Drowning-when-Being-Placed-Within-Water’, and failing that skill, then ‘Learning-to-Breathe-Without-the-Benefit-of-Air’ would be a useful pursuit. He would probably say something like that.
And last, but least least-est, when you do go and float the river, and maybe perhaps notice some unsightly crap on the banks, or see some of the previously mentioned ‘thinking impaired’ throwing their trash around, you can actually sign up with the Boise River Volunteers, to go and float the river for free, while cleaning it up for the benefit of everyone.
Note that those BRV folks also occasionally have free beer. Which, of course, on the Boise River, simply is just not done.
Cheers, and Happy Rafting.