I am a 21 year old college student. Sometimes I’ll be hooking up a with a girl and she’ll say she doesn’t want to go all the way. We fool around a bit more, and she changes her mind. This seemed pretty normal, but then this girl I hooked up with comes back to me later and tells me I forced her. I didn’t force her, I just asked a few times, and she said yes. I don’t want to be a bad guy. What do I do?
-Confused in Cambridge
You are in a bind that many men face. You want to be a gentleman, but you don’t want to miss an opportunity. Unfortunately, what you are running into is the result of a culture that teaches many women to be nice and obedient. This means that they may be uncomfortable saying no and sticking to it, even if that is what they really want to say.
Fortunately, there is something you can do to make sure that everyone has a good time and no one gets upset.
First, it is important to communicate. If this is an ongoing relationship, talk about what she likes and does not like in bed. Also, get an idea of how she might express that she does not like or is not presently in the mood for something. Some women are not comfortable with coming out and saying directly that they are not comfortable. Your relationship will be much healthier if you can learn the signs of discomfort and proactively ask her about it.
Even if it is a first time hook-up, communication is important. Ideally, it is best to talk ahead of time about what you might want to do. In the kink world, this is known as pre-negotiation. It eliminates a lot of the cat and mouse game of both partners wondering how far they will go and how far their partner wants to go. This is, of course, ideal. Proper communication does not always happened before things get hot and heavy.
Check in periodically. As you enjoy the evenings activities, ask if she likes this, if she is comfortable, etc. Especially when you start doing something new, ask if she is alright with it. Don’t make a big deal of it. She will feel that you respect her feelings and boundaries. Not only will this keep you out of trouble, it may make her comfortable enough to do more with you than she might have if she were not so comfortable.
Here is the most important piece of advice. Take this, and you will never have to worry about hearing a few days later that you crossed a boundary. If she says “no”, you stop what she asks you to stop. You ask for sex once, she says “no”, you do not ask again. This is not to say that you get up and get dressed, just that you immediately and without question respect the boundary that she set.
You may read this and think that it doesn’t work. In many men’s experience, women will say no at first as some kind of game, expecting to be convinced. If she was trying that ploy, she will be surprised by you accepting the “no”, but not unpleasantly surprised. She will realized that she is with a gentleman, not just cavorting with an average game-playing knuckle-dragger. If she really meant yes, then she’ll have to tell you that, and she will. Remember, her sex drive is just as strong as yours, and if she really wants it, she will not be too shy to tell you if she has to.
On the other hand, if she really meant no, you are not a good enough salesman to turn that no into a yes, and if you do, you can be quite sure that when she wakes up in the morning, released from the roiling waves of passion into the cold light of reason, she will not be proud of the decision that you pushed her to make.
In conclusion, if you want to be a gentleman in the bedroom (which you do…women talk), follow these three simple rules:
Communicate ahead of time
Take no without question
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For more advice, check out my blog Smart Love.