I have had enough! I don’t even like basketball but this is one relationship I had to put on blast.
Whenever I’m interrupted by three babbling, moaning groaning buffoons while I’m sitting in Roosters enjoying my 20 piece Super Killer wings, I get pissed.
There I am – mouth ablaze and working on a real nice buzz – and all I can hear are these stooges of weeping wussies – soon to be ex-Lebronites – castrating themselves along with Dan Gilbert, the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers and his ‘closured’ hate letter to one Mr. Lebron Raymone James. I couldn’t even finish my last seven dollar shot and sauced wing…Lebron’s going to start owing me in a minute. So here it is.
First, Dannie boy, get a grip, a life, a neck massage – something, because ‘my man’ you are stressed. So what your king has moved on to bigger, brighter and better looking papied pastures where groupies work for free and have benefits that are out of this world…BIG DEAL..It happens to the best of us.
We have all been dumped by some cutie with the big ole bootie, huh? We got over it – we survived!
Sure we drank a lot; ran up a few hundred dollars worth of parking, loitering, and intoxicated in public tickets; even dangled over a few open bridges – but WE SURVIVED DAMNIT, and Dan, you will to. With a little love, maybe some more boxes of #2 pencils – in case the urge to ape snot another Lebron hate message fills your gut, and some backbone – you to can survive this Kate plus 8 minus 1 blow to your male pride.
Dan, I know what you need – a man hug from all the playas out there going through it with you; even from the blubbering, chugging whimpers next to me on the bar stool, especially the one who stormed out and I swear I expected him to scream, ‘he even took the damn ice trays out of the ice box’ – a little Arnold humor just for you Dannie boy.
It will get better. Do you know how I know Dan? Do ya? Well, let me tell you. I know because, well, history has a way of repeating itself. Let’s look back shall we.
Rihanna & Chris, Reggie and Kim, Elin and Tiger, nasty – devastating – traumatic breakups for sure. And they all turned out just fine. Rihanna still sings beautifully off key, Kim still stalks potential Super Bowl champs at barbershops and boxing rings and Tiger, well – maybe the two of you can work together after it’s all over; he can be shakes and you can be fries…teamwork Dannie boy — it’s all about teamwork.
Do you get what I’m saying Dannie boy? Move on. Let it go. Sure you’ll never have a championship ring. Who gives a flying mcfarley if you’ll spend the rest of your life picking rotten tomatoes out of your teeth for all the hate you’re going to receive when Lebron and his boys pounce on you next season, and toot-to-the-loo if you’ll be forced to shop at the Piggly Wiggly – nice savings place by the way – it is of no matter to me Dannie boy.
Whitney “Hell’to’the’no’ Houston says it best, I will always love you. And because you have nothing else to take – you can take that to the bank.