“The dread of loneliness is greater than the fear of bondage, so we get married.” – Cyril Connolly (English critic and editor 1903-1974)
How much of your relationship with your significant other is based on a need rather than on respect, trust, admiration, appreciation, curiosity and celebration? Perhaps, you are compatible, you have similar interests and you have an enjoyable sex life…but, what is the glue at the center core of your attraction? Most relationships are formed by each party unconsciously seeking to fill a void or a need…and to mask a basic fear…the fear of being alone. Because we think being alone means we are unloved and is an empty, lonely, joyless existence.
The fear of loneliness drives us to distract ourselves with putting others in our lives whether they are a good fit or not. That’s why so many people get married, divorced, remarried, divorced, re-re-married, divorced and so on until either they run out of opportunities for a partner, settle for a current relationship or die. What causes the initial attraction? What causes the final destruction of the relationship? Not too many people are willing to actually stand still long enough in their own space and discomfort to confront their underlying needs and fears…by choosing to BE alone with them.
The very real and oddly ironic truth is that one cannot truly gain a feeling of lasting peace and harmony until one is willing to confront any underlying fear. Ending anything is always the beginning of something else. Nothing is static. In this Earthly world of duality, nothing stays the same. As much as we want the ‘good’ things in life to last: puppies to stay cute and cuddly, favorite TV shows to stay on the air, songs to last forever, beautiful sunrise/sunset to color our every moment, a kiss to remain on our lips…life moves on. This fear of being lonely, which we translate as being the same as being alone, actually keeps us stuck in a thought pattern of loss and gain that only feels safe when we are in the ‘gain’ mode and this is impossible to sustain.
Being alone is NOT the same as being lonely. Being alone means being with oneself and one’s own thoughts. Being lonely is a state of emotional discord where one feels disconnected, isolated and bereft. One can experience joy in being alone. One cannot experience joy in loneliness. One can be in a relationship and choose to experience times of being alone. One can be in a relationship and choose to experience being lonely.
TIP: Unless and until one can experience being alone with One’s Self and the experience is full of light, love, gratitude, joy, pleasure, curiosity, appreciation, creation and imagination…one can never fully appreciate the joy of relationship with another.
Face Your Fear of Loneliness…it will follow you around, sneaking in to upset you until you do...regardless of whether you are in relationship.
That’s the Way IT WORKS.
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