There was simply no hope that the latest in Seltzer-Friedberg’s war on comedy, Vampires Suck, was going to be any good. These are the guys behind some of the most unfunny movies that have been released this decade, and their big idea– mocking the Twilight franchise– is also their laziest yet. Even though no one expected Vampires Suck to do anything other than what the title suggests, we’re still thrilled to see that the film’s currently sitting at a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. But will it make any difference? Commentary to follow, my gentle Examiner readers…
The Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker of this generation is, sadly, Seltzer-Friedberg, the idiot duo that have churned out some of the absolute worst parodies that have ever been committed to film. These are the guys that brought you Epic Movie, Date Movie, and the so-bad-it-should’ve-landed-someone-in-jail Meet The Spartans, a comedy team without the comedy…but with Hollywood’s financial backing. Even though none of their movies have received anything approaching solid reviews from critics, they still keep getting work. Now that their latest– Vampires Suck— is sitting at 0% on RottenTomatoes.com, is there any chance that this’ll be the end of their inglorious reign?
Well, in a word, no. And teenagers are to blame.
Before we get into that, though, let’s take a look at what some critics are saying about Vampires Suck. Over at Variety, they’re calling the film “worthless”, while the Washington Post helpfully points out that, at the very least, there aren’t any Justin Bieber jokes in the film. The Boston Globe tries a funny approach– and makes the most obvious joke possible– by saying that “Vampires Suck is just as guilty as the vampires” (didn’t see that one coming). Roger Moore at the Orlando Sentinel describes one of the jokes gags: “Finger foods are served at a party, and they’re actually fingers”. Get it? Because they’re vampires? Oh, Seltzer-Friedberg, you’ve done it again!
Y’know, even as a surly, stupid teenager, I had taste in films. I’ve always been particular to two genres– comedy and horror– and I’ve always been discerning when it came to the films that fell into those two categories. When I was a kid, The Shining was my favorite horror film and The Jerk was my favorite comedy. It’s unlikely that your average teenager has even heard of either of those films today, not unless there was a parody of one of them on MAD TV or TMZ.com. This is perhaps the worst part of the Seltzer-Friedberg phenomenon: their films are supported by people whose taste makes me, a 29 year-old, feel like a grumpy old man. I may as well start wandering around with a walker and screeching for them all to get off my lawn.
If you’re looking for a good comedy this weekend, my best suggestion is that you pay money to see Edgar Wright’s original, dazzling, hilarious Scott Pilgrim VS. The World. That film has more personality, craft, wit, and intelligence in a single frame than Vampires Suck will have over the course of its entire 80-minute run time (yeah, it’s not even an hour and a half long; great work, Seltzer-Friedberg…asses). In case you’re curious to see how bad things could be in Vampires Suck, I’m going to attach the trailer here. Just don’t be surprised if you feel your soul draining as you gaze upon it: